Swampy’s Weblog Real life is just another window

Relationships #3

There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.

Laurel K Hamilton
Incubus Dreams

Today's question is: Why bother with a relationship at all and When should you bail? I'm talking here, again, about MRs as defined in my previous posts and not young relationships which revolve around raising kids and building wealth.

After all, relationships can take a lot of energy. While a good one is fantastically fullfilling, a bad one can suck you as dry as a mummy's kiss. People at our stage of life don't have that many good years left, so why waste any of them on a situation which isn't working?

I feel personally, that if you can't look up at your partner at any point in time and have a sixty to eighty percent chance of feeling lucky, from your head to your toes, just to be involved with that person, then it isn't worth it.

That doesn't mean that you never fight or that everything is roses either. I've often been blindsided by bliss in the middle of an argument . Even if the fight is really bad, sometimes I've looked up at M and just heard this voice in my head saying: You lucky SOB.

You'll often hear it said that relationships take work, but I don't think the good ones do. Rather they just flow. An artist doesn't need discipline to work on his painting or poetry, because its what he loves to do most. The only discipline an artist needs is to know when to quit so he doesn't completely burn himself out.

The only kind of work a good relationship should demand is the same kind an artist uses.  An artist looks at something they have brought into being and says to themselves: That's really good.  What can I do to make it better?  Or else: Ooops, that isn't what I had in mind.  What can I do to get closer to my vision?

I think the main reason why people say relationships need work is because they are trying to make something work which is seriously flawed or past its expiry date, and at some stages of life that is a valid thing to do, especially when kids or money are involved. Overall, though, I think that grinding away year after year working on your relationship is just cock-eyed. The thing that is supposed to fulfill you and complete you like nothing else can is consuming your life force instead.

That's when you find yourself echoing the old japanese saying: Life is licking sugar off broken glass!

Relationships #1

My wife and I have separated. I call her my wife even though we've never formally married. We've known each other since 1983 when we were both struggling students here at Simon Fraser. In that near-quarter century we have been friends, lovers, partners and coolly polite. Lather, rinse and bloody repeat. Our latest try at living together lasted about 5 years and we are now on hiatus.

Our split this time has been mostly amicable. Most of our previous ones were as well, truth be told. We're both counting our blessings for this. Some dear friends of ours are going through a break-up of their own and it has been much more painful than ours. Other couples we know aren't really getting along any more, but haven't gotten to the stage where either one wants to pull the pin. So, there's a lot of it going around.

I thought it a good idea to blog about my progress in the process, and perhaps share some of my ideas about what is going on because there are some things that aren't being recognized in the talk that is taking place around mature relationships.  It just seems to me that there are going to be more and more of us in this particular boat and so, some new understandings may be necessary.

So, common threads:

1. Older couple. Man around 60, woman five to ten years younger.
2. Middle to upper middle class, wage-wise at least.
3. Kids grown or just leaving the nest.
4. Long standing relationships, usually 20 plus years.
5. The lady is the one who calls the game.

I should amplify point five.  Not trying to say it is the woman's fault, just that she is the first to reach the breaking point. Men seem to be more willing to continue in a somewhat moribund relationship than women are at this stage.  It could be something to do with age.  Women in these pairs are generally younger, so perhaps there's more pressure to grab some happiness while there's still time.

Another factor in there could be menopause.  Marilyn and I watched a very good show on the Discovery Channel about menopause, and, one of the things they said was that there is a tremendous internal drive to finally accomplish some of the things that they always wanted to do but had suppressed due to larger responsibilities.

That pretty well wraps up my intro to this theme.  It is certainly what I'll be talking about for the foreseeable future and hopefully I will be posting a lot more frequently because the juices are really flowing.  If, perchance there are any readers out there I hope you'll comment and we can get some good discussions going.

The last thing I would like to say is that I don't think these break-ups are necessarily bad things.  There is probably a lot of good to be gained through these reorganizations.  Some people will stay separated and be better off for it.  Others (including us, I hope) will reinvent the relationships and get back together on new, better and more fulfilling terms.  The main thing is to seek out the opportunities and starve the problems.  Or, as somebody once said: You gotta watch the donut, not the hole.